We’ve all seen it. The “Instagram perfect” couple that looks like they have the greatest relationship. Travel, great physique, luxury, PDA…the world has never seen a better union! But soon enough, they break up.

Why is it that so many couples fail these days? How is it possible that almost 50% of marriages end up in divorce? Most of us crave an everlasting love that will beat the odds, but how can we achieve that?

To begin, let’s break down the idea of love. What do you consider to be true love? The word “love” has a very specific meaning. It isn’t vague. It is black and white. I personally love the Bible’s description of it:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

Beautiful, right? And more important than its beauty is its truth because it tells us exactly what true love is. Love is pure.

This may be a cliché quote, one that we’ve heard so many times that it’s lost its meaning. But that’s exactly where the problem with most relationships lies. As a society, we have forgotten what true love is. People want to fulfill their idea of love so badly that they seek it in looks, money, or whatever will satisfy their desire for that idea. And none of this is real. It is only a facade.

Love cannot exist where there is desire because it is an attribute of the Soul.

So how can we truly experience a loving relationship and create an environment for real love to thrive? Let’s look at a few “secrets” that will help you achieve a happy and loving relationship.

1.   Become a person who can “host” love

Being in true “love” is a beautiful experience, and believe it or not, it all starts with you. Before we can fully be in love with someone else, we must first be in love with ourselves. It may sound narcissistic but it is actually the opposite.

Being in love with ourselves means we are kind to ourselves. It means that we accept ourselves fully and nourish ourselves with vitality. It means that we wake up every day and treat ourselves with respect and honor. It means that we are constantly working on becoming a better person than yesterday because we want to see ourselves thrive. We cannot give others what we lack in our being, and harnessing self-love must start from within.

 

2.   Be honest

It seems like there are many blurred lines these days when it comes to honesty and loyalty, but the truth is that these terms are clear as day. Honesty between two people means that we are able to share our feelings and our thoughts with one another because we have a full understanding of each other.

Being honest means being true to ourselves and the other person always, even if it hurts our feelings. Half-truths and “white lies” only break the bond between us and our partner since they damage our spiritual connection. Energy isn’t something that can be concealed, and deceive can be felt by our intuition.

 

3.   Be loyal

We often think of cheating as sleeping with another person, yet cheating has many levels that can cause equal damage to a relationship. Cheating isn’t only physical. It always starts with the mind. If we are desiring other people constantly, it is impossible for us to be fully present with our partner. Again, energy cannot be concealed, so if we have uncontrollable lust for other people, it is something that will be felt.

Loyalty also means being respectful to your partner. Flirting may seem to be innocent, but we cannot pretend that we are being loyal while trying to attract other people’s attention. Always check your real motives behind your actions. In your heart, you’ll know when a line is being crossed.

 

4.   Grow with your partner

Let’s be real, we are all human. We still have a lot of desire left in us, but we are always given the chance to move forward and grow or to devolve into worse beings. Assuming you’re trying to get better, it is important that you and your partner both align into a growth mentality. It is very difficult to run a marathon with someone who has no intention of practicing going for a run daily. The same goes with life. If you are both growing together, you’ll be more attuned with one another and harness a greater understanding of each other.

It is also great to be with someone who is trying to dissolve their egos with us because the relationship will just keep improving as we both advance as people. You’d think the honeymoon stage is the best, but when you’re growing together, every day becomes more enjoyable than the last because you’re both a step closer to your highest potential.

 

5.   Understand the ego (and resentment)

Understanding the ego is crucial for our spiritual development and it is something that can benefit our relationships greatly. (We will have a more detailed article explaining this in-depth). Simply explained, the ego is whatever our Soul is not. It is the force inside of us that is constantly seeking pleasures and desires and it is the reason why we suffer. We have accumulated layers and layers of ego throughout our lives through many factors, but understanding who we truly are and who we are not is fundamental if we wish to become free.

As we understand and spot this “ego” within ourselves, we can also spot it in others. This is valuable knowledge because if we do not differentiate the ego from a person’s true Soul, we can hold grudges and harbor lots of resentment in our hearts. An example of using this awareness to our benefit is to apply it when we get into an argument with our partner. If they have an outburst of frustration or show us a side of them we may not like, we can be compassionate about the situation and become understanding of their suffering because we, too, have egos inside of us.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other, it just means that we have unhealed parts within ourselves that we need to be worked on. Of course, we must have clear boundaries of what egos are simply unacceptable, but for the purpose of this article, we are talking about the healthy normal arguments that most of us face in a relationship.

 

6.   Have individual goals while working on reaching your dreams together

As individuals, it is necessary for us to have passions and goals that give meaning to our existence. (We have a great worksheet to help you figure out your purpose here!). Having our own goals is substantial because we all have different needs that can’t be fulfilled by anyone but ourselves. When both people in the relationship have goals, they aren’t depending on the other person to be entertained all the time or to give their life purpose.

Our partners are meant to complement us and add on to our happiness, but their presence or absence shouldn’t determine whether we feel complete or not. We are supposed to be a team working on battling this life together, not in a parasitic relationship trying to suck the energy out of each other.

 

7.   Commit unconditionally

A successful relationship is a work in progress. It is a commitment both people make to each other to love one another through the good times and the bad. Unconditional love means exactly what it says, without condition. We cannot stop loving our partners because they have a bad day. We cannot turn away from them because we’re struggling financially, with sickness, or with depression. We are making a commitment every day to give them our true love.

Of course, it is up to us to find a partner who has the intention of growing. It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship if one person is constantly changing for the better while the other is regressing. That being said, it is crucial that we understand that unconditional love doesn’t exist where there is violence, cheating, or other psychological harm. This isn’t love. It’s an ego or an attachment. Unconditional love will NEVER harm us. The only “damage” we should feel from love is the break down of our ego as we become our Higher Selves together.

Love has a clear definition. If we constantly work on attaining its purity and letting go of anything that opposes it, our relationship will certainly grow stronger every moment. I advise that you check yourself constantly and work on what you can improve in your character rather than point fingers. A good relationship starts with ourselves. Become the best version you can possibly be for the sake of your own peace and the one of those around you. The better we become at the core of our being, the better we mold every aspect of our lives, including the relationships we care about so deeply.